The Test

demands (and delight) of a logickal faith

I tested God when I was about 12 years old,
when I logicked myself out of logic
to make a reasonably unreasonable demand.

“Just send one deer,” I prayed, thinking,
”That won’t be too hard for God,”
never mind the conditions I set,
or the contract that worked in my favor, at best.

”At 6:00pm today (6:30, if it’s hard!), just send
a magic, rare, improbable deer by here—"
never mind that it was feeding time at the farm,
that the goats were rowdy around my mom,
that my siblings were shouting in the yard,
that there was no crepuscular dusk to be had…

”If you send one, I’ll believe in You.”

A few times, I have heard God chuckle.
I think He’s delighted with me.

Yesterday, two deer walked past my window at 6:00pm—
without a prayer or a contract,
in broad daylight (deer don’t worry about the time change),
and I chuckled too, delighted.

19 March 2026

AUTHOR NOTE: I’m still experimenting with words, reclaiming a younger self who was very wounded by a Responsible Editor With Authority who I suspect had lost sight of magic in the midst of their Technical Prowess.

I’m offering myself just a few intentional, scribbled sentences that speak truly, practicing my words to see if I can write anything that will mean anything. I am re-drafting a few of these scribbles to share here, as I think this project falls neatly under “becoming,” which is what the French title of this Substack, “se faire,” means.